Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
two words...techno handjob
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
