you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
