she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
