you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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