I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
