I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
