Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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