I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
