i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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