I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
