if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
