I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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