Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
