just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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