I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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