meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
