they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
