It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
