I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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