Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
