Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
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