Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
