Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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