Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
