On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
