Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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