The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
