What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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