Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
