Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Semen is not good for contacts.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
