There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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