WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
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threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
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I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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