you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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