nut hugger
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
