And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
