The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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