can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
