He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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