my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
