She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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