All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
