Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
