So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
