I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
