the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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