ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Ladies don't puke and tell
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
