i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
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I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
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I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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