Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
