meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
