Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
