It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
