I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
