Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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