Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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