4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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