That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
